Let me be transparent with you. For the past few months, I have not been living my life for Christ. Rather, I have been living it for myself. I was in an ungodly relationship, which consisted of lust and idolatry.
“Oh, but you got out of it! You turned back to God and that’s all that matters.”
If that was your response, think again. I didn’t have a epiphany and decide God deserved my devotion. Instead, I was abandoned and shattered. I’ve never felt a heartbreak that hurt nearly as bad as that one. In fact, it still hurts to this day, even though about a month and 10 days have gone by.
That was why I turned to God – in desperation, loneliness, pain, and rejection. I clung and cried to Him like never before because I knew His love is unconditional.
So how did I respond when my heart began to heal? Did I pour out my thankfulness to God, the healer of broken hearts? Nope. Not at all. In fact, I put distance between myself and God again. So it was like this:
- “God, I love You and I love living for You!”
- “God, I choose this boy over You. I’m going to live for him now.”
- “God, my heart is shattered! Comfort me!”
- “I’m better now. I don’t need You as much.”
Wow. What a hypocrite am I! Who do I think I am, using the God of the universe whenever I feel like He could be useful? Goodness.
Luckily, God is nothing like me. He is love. He is patient. He is merciful. He is forgiving. Slowly, God started pulling me back into His arms and reminded me whose I am (His!). This is where I am right now. And this is how God taught me about the consequences of praying dangerous prayers.
At church the other night, the prayer I prayed was this:
“God, send me anywhere You want me to go. Send me. I want to serve You.”
What’s dangerous about that prayer? Well, God tends to hold people accountable. For example, when I told God I want to serve Him, He tested the faithfulness of my heart. Here is how:
Today is Tuesday. I did not go to work yesterday because I was sick. I’m a high school teacher, so I sent in my emergency lesson plan (yes, that’s a real thing). When I returned to school today, it was like a Monday. Actually, it was like every Monday in my life, all rolled into one. (Not like the Olan Rogers Monday – like the bad kind of Monday.) Here is a brief recap of my Monday/Tuesday:
- I found out half my students were unable to do their assignment from the previous day.
- I sent a student to ISS for being disrespectful.
- I heard about some very hurtful things one of my students said about me while I was out.
- Two of my students got in a fight that I tried (and failed) to break up.
- I wrote a referral for another student for being disrespectful.
These events may seem very minimal to you, but understand that I am a very tenderhearted person. I give people several chances because I want them to succeed. I try to be transparent and share personal details with my students so they will see me as more than just a teacher. I see the good in everybody and want them to discover and pursue God’s will for their lives. In essence, today broke my heart.
So how did I end this very trying day? Did I thank God for His provision? Praise Him for protection? Pray at all? Absolutely not. Rather, I was debating whether or not I should quit. Throw in the towel. Give up. I have backup plans. I can glorify God with those plans. No big deal. (Notice there was no conversation with God to seek His input.) So that’s where my mind was.
After talking with my favorite coworker (God grants me sanity through the encouraging conversations she blessed me with!), I started to pack my things to go home. “I’m so over today. And maybe over this job. Geez.” I was fuming and crying. It was the whole “pity me” scene. Boo-hoo.
Just then, in the midst of my pity party, God spoke to me. That still, small voice can really stop you in your tracks. In this moment, He said:
“You said you wanted Me to send you wherever I want you to go, and that you are willing to serve. How can you serve where I need you when you’re unwilling to serve where I have you now?”
Ouch. Conviction.
Just because today was rough, I was ready to jump ship and make different plans. Things didn’t go well, so this must not have been what God has planned for me! When I’m in His will, things will run smoothly and always be great. At least, that’s what I thought.
However, that mindset is not biblical. Instead, it’s quite the opposite. The enemy will do anything in his power to hinder God’s plans. The Christian walk is promised to be hard. Did you read that? It’s promised to be hard. We are promised persecution. Paul even boasted in his struggles because he knew that in his weakness, Jesus is strong.
All of the struggles, hardships, persecution, rough days, testing of faith, etc. all happen for the very same reason we are on this planet: for God’s glory.
I know I’ve said a lot, and I feel convicted about talking so much about myself in this post. I’m sorry for that. I hope you get the point. When you pray dangerous prayers, prayers that tell God to do what He wants with your life, be prepared to have your faith tested. How will you respond to the test? Will you prove to be a faithful servant and soldier for Christ? Pray and see.
Praise You, Father, for seeing the true state of my heart. Please mold me to be more like You. Less of me. More of You. All of You. Forgive me. I love You, but help me love You more. In Jesus’s name.
