God’s waiting room is the place that I should be thankful for, but it’s actually a place I dread. I see friends involved in internships, outreach, ministry camps, and long and short term missions. Instead of joyfully praying for their safety and success, I’m focused on how my heart is aching with longing to be where they are. 

In my last blog post, I shared about how God showed me that my heart isn’t as willing as I claim it is, when it comes to proclaiming Isaiah 6:8, which reads:

“Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me” (KJV). 

I’ve been proclaiming that verse for as long as I can remember, and several times I thought I was ready. Lately, though, God has been showing me the true state of my heart. 

During my planning period the other day, I was listening to a friend tell me about her son, who has albinism. She and her husband carried the trait for albinism and never knew it, and her son faces various trials because of his condition. For example, his vision is impaired. My friend acknowledges that his vision is actually excellent in comparison with other people affected with this condition, but that his limitations are giving him difficulties in school. 

While she was talking, I felt a gentle nudge to pray for her. 

“What?!” I thought. “But God that would be so.. Awkward.” 

Coward that I am, I dismissed the thought. “I have to set up my daily bellringer. I need to make copies of handouts for classes. I haven’t written the daily agenda on the board. There’s no time to stop and pray with her. She didn’t even ask for prayer.”

Although all of these excuses came to mind, I knew they were just a cover for disobedience. I was too afraid to obey God. Wow. That’s definitely not a sign of a willing heart, of a soul who is ready to proclaim Isaiah 6:8.

Then today happened. I had a dermatologist appointment. My appointment was at 9:15, but I sat in the waiting room until around 10:00. All the while I sat there, I heard nothing. Strangers sat around the room. There was a TV in the waiting room, but it was off. We all silently watched one another get called to the back, but not one conversation occurred. 

“Look at what technology has done to us, to socialization,” I thought to myself. “We sit on our phones on social media, but we are too terrified to speak with one another in person.”

In light of this thought, I put my phone away. I looked at the people across from me and beside me. And then… Nothing happened. I didn’t say a word. 

That small voice popped up again, encouraging me to speak up. It’s so quiet. Nobody is distracted. This is the perfect opportunity to show kindness, ask about their days, and most importantly share the gospel. It would be easy to share about how, even though I’m at the dermatology for acne, God has blessed me. My trials are nothing. They are superficial. What conversation might have been sparked??

Unfortunately, once again, I silenced the voice. “Nobody is talking. What would I say? It would be awkward. They might think I’m nosey for asking about their lives. I don’t know what they’re going through.”

Disobedience. Cowardice. Again. 

So I sat, silently, in the waiting room. And a question I had asked earlier was answered for me. I had inquired as to why I am in God’s waiting room – why He has not chosen to send me on a missions trips or an internship or anything like that. My heart is not willing.

I am disappointed in my unwillingness, but I am sure God is even more disappointed. I need to escape the mindset that I can sit in a public place and read C.S. Lewis’s Mere Christianity, simply hoping someone will notice and strike up a conversation for me. The lost need to be reached, which requires initiative and action, two things I apparently lack at the moment. Thus, I will continue to wait. I must wait, while God prepares me and teaches me to be brave and obedient. After all, God’s Word says:

“He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much: and he that is unjust in the least is unjust also in much” (Luke 16:10, KJV).

I have been faithless. Fortunately, as one of my favorite worship songs says, “Though we are faithless, He is faithful!” (Vertical Church Band, “The Rock Won’t Move”).

Lord, I am so, so sorry for disappointing You and being a disobedient coward. I do want to serve You. I really do. Please teach me to obey. Burden my heart for Your purpose. Let me be Your faithful servant. I want to win souls for Your kingdom. You are so good. Your love is so pure and unconditional. Please forgive me. Humble me, Lord. I love You. In Jesus’s name.