The sky is one of my favorite of God’s creations. Whether it’s filled with clouds, crowded with stars, or completely clear blue, it always makes my heart respond with praise to God for making such a beautiful picture. Every time I try to take a picture of it, the picture never quite captures all of the glorious perfection; God simply cannot be imitated. When I glimpse a silver lining in a sunset like the one in the picture above, my heart says, “Wow! God, You made this beautiful creation, this marvelous sunset for me! Thank You for Your beauty and kindness!” His sky is just one of the ways He blesses His children and reminds them of His love. 

Today God gave me a small glimpse into what His heart feels like, and let me tell you, it was terrible. You might be thinking, “Whaaaat? God’s heart is filled with love. Why would that be terrible?” Let me explain the small glimpse of torture I experienced today. 

Most of you know that I’m a middle school English and math teacher. English is my forte. Math, however, has been a thorn in my flesh this past year. I can solve math problems with no problem, but when it comes to teaching math, well, let’s just say I’d rather starve. Okay maybe it’s not that bad, but it’s pretty awful. Regardless of that fact, I agreed to teach 7th and 8th math this school year. If you think that’s an easy task, think again! (Eureka math is so, so, so not easy.)

Taking all this into consideration, you could see how this first full year of teaching has been very exhausting. I’ve studied my content, attended professional development seminars, observed other teachers, and poured hours into lesson planning and evaluating student achievement and doing everything I possibly can to try to teach the students who are counting on me. It’s probably one of the biggest burdens I’ve ever carried on my shoulders. (Just ask all of the anxiety attacks I’ve had!)

This school year, however, is coming to a close quickly. After today, I only have 12 school days left to do what I can to prepare my students for next year. Wouldn’t you think they would be eagerly trying to absorb every ounce of knowledge possible?!? Absolutely not. This is where I began to understand God’s heart a little deeper today. 

Today I tried to let my students have a fun-yet-educational day. The lessons weren’t rigorous, but they were enjoyable and still expanded student knowledge. On paper, today should have been a cinch, but it was not. My students (both grades) were talkative and disrespectful, and everything that they did communicated to me that they did not appreciate all of my hard work. Even after begging them to be good and then chastising them and then increasing their work load and then repeating that I was disappointed in their behavior, they still kept behaving poorly. It got to the point where I told one of my classes that I was not going to come back to school tomorrow. (Yes, it was that bad.)

After school ended I sat at my desk for a while in silence and tears of frustration and hurt. What did I do wrong? Don’t they see how much I love them that I would work so hard to teach them to the best of my ability? Don’t they love me back? Do they even appreciate the fact that I’m here?

I went home and took a nap to try to escape how upset I was. When I woke up, my heart was in even more turmoil. Because of my day at school (and other circumstances) my heart felt like it had been shredded, like I had opened my heart and made myself vulnerable only to be crushed and let down. The pain in my heart made me literally sick. 

Through my tears and clenched teeth, I cried out to God, “Why does my heart hurt so badly?! What’s the point of opening my heart up to people if they are just going to rip it apart??” In response, God reminded me of a lyric from Andy Mineo’s song “Uncomfortable”:

So if you wanna live a comfortable life | Make sure you never love nobody, be selfish, and never sacrifice

Although this might not be the typical way God speaks to you, it got my attention. God calls us to love our neighbors as ourselves (Mark 12:31), be selfless (Philippians 2:4, Luke 6:35), and sacrifice (Hebrews 13:16). We are not on Earth to live comfortable lives. Pain and heartache are some of the side effects of living the way Jesus intended for us to live, and though it’s unpleasant physically, Jesus is worth it. 

God shifted my perspective and encouraged me to consider how He feels. Imagine how He wakes up billions of people daily, paints a beautiful sky for them, provides them with an answer to all their needs, and even gave them His Son to take away their sin – the one thing separating them from eternal life with Him. God loves us with this unwavering and selfless agape love, yet over the course of history billions of people have chosen not to love Him back. They just decide that He is not worth their attention, their time, or their love. Ouch.

This reminded me that God is familiar with rejection and broken-heartedness. He knows more than anybody what it’s like to be unappreciated. He has felt more times than I can fathom how it hurts to open His heart unconditionally to people and to watch them decide that what He has to offer isn’t enough. He knows. God knows. And it’s through this knowledge that He can comfort me when I feel this way. What a good, good Father! The lyrics to one of my newest favorite worship songs remind me that I can always “Come to the altar | The Father’s arms are opened wide.” (O Come to the Altar by Elevation Worship)

I thought the pain of today was heart-wrenching, but I realize that compared to all the heartache God has to face, my day was nothing. And I concluded that I’m going to still go to school tomorrow, because I want to teach my students that when you love someone and they hurt you, you don’t leave them or give up on them. You forgive them and keep loving them, even though staying vulnerable might lead you to experience that pain again. 

And you know what is beautiful about today’s pain? I was reminded that though in my sin I have rejected God and broken His heart and turned away from Him and made Him feel heart-wrenching pain, He still loves me the same. 

“For I am persuaded beyond doubt that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”‭‭ -Romans‬ ‭8:38-39‬