I recently read an article online that I feel needs a response. You can read the article here. To quickly sum it up, this article claims that it is okay, and even recommended, to date casually within the church. The post says that in the 80s and 90s, a message spread through Christianity that said “casual dating is not good, women’s hearts must be guarded by men, and all romantic relationships better have marriage in mind—or the people in them are just using each other.” The post then continues to explain why each of these notions is invalid. 

Disclaimer: I acknowledge that we all have our own personal convictions and opinions. If you disagree with what I’m about to say, I respect that. I simply feel burdened to bring to light the other side of this argument and defend why the above mentioned notions are valid. 

1. Casual dating is not good. 

If you want biblical advice on any topic, the best place to look is (drumroll, please) the Bible! No, it doesn’t say, “Casual dating is/is not good.” However, we are given several examples of relationships all throughout the Old and New Testament that we can look to for guidance and wisdom. 

In all of the relationships described, God had an intended purpose for all of them: His glory. Yes, several biblical figures walked out of God’s will to pursue ungodly relationships (for example, David with Bathsheba in 2 Samuel 11). However, the ones that aligned with God’s perfect will were guided by God’s own hand. 

Let’s look at Ruth and Boaz as an example:

• Boaz was about his Father’s business, following one of the laws. You see, God made it a law that people who owned fields were not to glean (or gather) all of the harvest in their field. Field owners were required to leave some so that the poor and widows and such like that could come and gather for their own families. Already you see Boaz’s obedient and selfless heart. 
• After arriving in Bethlehem with her late husband’s mom, Ruth immediately sets to work going to gather from a field for herself and Naomi. This reveals Ruth’s hardworking character and servant-like heart. 

Neither Ruth nor Boaz was wasting their time by investing in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, just to have a little fun. They were both diligently invested in the season and place God had put them. While they were both attending to their duties, Boaz noticed Ruth and inquired about her. When he found out how selfless and kind she was, he went to extreme measures to protect and welcome and take care of her. Long story short, Ruth basically made her intentions clear and Boaz made his intentions clear, and they were wed. Their son Obed continued the lineage that produced Jesus!

Flash forward to today: our modern culture has made so many drastic changes that intentionality and well-invested time are lost arts. We have so many conveniences that we waste the majority of our free time! A typical person is occupied by school or work for about eight hours, and the rest of the day is spent watching TV, playing games, browsing social media, etc. Since we have so much spare time, we become bored. 

As the saying goes, “Idleness is the devil’s playground.” This phrase has several different variations, but the message stays the same: idleness (not being active, doing nothing) can lead to sin and straying from God’s path. It allows the enemy to sneak in and whisper thoughts and ideas that breed discontentment, which then causes us to act impulsively in an attempt to cure this boredom. 

More often than not (if we are walking in the flesh) we attempt to fill this void by seeking attention from somebody, anybody. We begin to feel discontent, especially with our season of singleness. Y’all, please listen. Your singleness is a gift. You are free from the distraction of being attached to another person. You can (and should!) use this singleness to get to know the heart of the only one who matters – God. If we don’t take advantage of this freedom to seek the Lord and we instead look for fulfillment in a casual dating relationship, we will end up empty. A relationship cannot fill the God-shaped hole in our hearts. Period. Use your singleness for Him!!

As the Christian rapper Flame says:

“You in that relationship, do you plan to marry her? Love her like Christ loves the church, til you bury her? You in that relationship, do you plan to marry him? Submit to him like you are the church, or just worry him? If you’re not, then pack it up; flee the temptations. You can spend your singleness witnessing to the nations!”

The point is, if you want to pursue a casual dating relationship because you’re bored, you need to go pursue the Lord. He should be the one whose heart you are seeking. He is worth your spare time (and more!). Work diligently after His heart in the season you’re in. The Word says that godliness with contentment is great gain (1 Timothy 6:6).

Don’t waste your time getting attached to someone you don’t feel the Lord telling you to commit to. Someone always gets over-attached and then hurt when this happens. Be intentional. Intentionally seek God with all that you are. And then, if you feel Him (not your flesh or boredom) leading you to someone, intentionally pursue that person’s heart. 

*Side rant: this is why I disagree with the “Christian” dating website ChristianMingle. Their commercials make it seem like God is in Heaven saying, “Well, I would send you the one I prepared for you but you just won’t make a dating profile so I guess you just have to suffer and be single.” That’s not how God works. He is perfectly capable and His timing is impeccable. If we will simply invest in our current season and seek Him, He will handle all of the details. Not trusting Him and being impatient with His timing is another way of not having faith in Him. 

2. Women’s hearts must be guarded by men. 

*If you are a feminist, please know I am not trying to attack your independence. I know you can do whatever you want; live your life. However, I strongly believe in and support God’s intended roles for men and women: men are the leaders of relationships and families. I don’t care what century we are in. God’s Word is forever. 

I feel like the above quote (#2) could be broadened: women must guard their hearts; men must guard women’s hearts. Men must guard their hearts; women must guard men’s hearts. Brothers and sisters in Christ must guard each other’s hearts. 

If you want to know more about the function of the church, the New Testament is a great place to look (starting in Acts). The church is a body of believers, a family, a unit that works together for the same purpose. One of the goals of the church is to encourage purity in our hearts, minds, thoughts, words, and actions. We strive for purity because Jesus is pure (1 John 3:3). 

We know we are to guard our own hearts (Proverbs 4:23), but guarding each other’s hearts comes into play through Jesus’s instruction. In Matthew 16 and 18, our Savior talks quite a bit about stumbling (falling into sin) and stumbling blocks (things or people that cause others to fall into sin). 

One of the passages says that if your hand causes you to stumble, you are to cut it off. This instruction is not literal because the hand doesn’t cause us to stumble – the state of our heart does. For example, if our hearts are consumed with lust and this leads to us look at porn, the lust in our hearts needs to be “cut off,” and practical actions can help (such as a deep study of God’s Word concerning lust, an Internet filter, an accountability partner, restricted Internet time, etc.). Basically, whatever stumbling blocks we have in our lives need to be removed. Accordingly, I won’t wear anything that will cause my brother in Christ to lust, and thus he won’t feel convicted about me being a part of his life. 

The other side of guarding one another’s hearts means being up front about our intentions. If a man is not interested in pursuing a woman’s heart, it would be very unlike Christ to lead her on. Let’s look at Jesus: He says He is the truth (John 14:6). He represents all pure honesty. Since we are to be like Jesus, being dishonest (in word or action) is quite the opposite of being like our Savior. Yes, we are to develop friendships and love like Christ loves us, but when that relationship becomes more than platonic, it’s likely that one of the two parties involved will become attached and have long-term intentions whereas the other party was only interested in having a good time. This scenario leads to heartbreak, and since Jesus is love, it doesn’t seem likely that this was what He would have wanted. 

3. All romantic relationships better have marriage in mind—or the people in them are just using each other.

You might be thinking, “Okay it’s a bit scary to automatically be thinking about marriage after God has led me to this person I don’t know much about.” Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying propose after the first date. I’m saying that if you are intentional about figuring out whether or not a person might be the one God intends for you to do life with, try a courtship. 
*Yes, I went straight Joshua Harris. (I Kissed Dating Goodbye is actually a really great read for singles! My children will read it one day.) 

Since courtships come across as really outdated, I will explain what makes them different from dating. I don’t want to define dating because some people date differently. However, dating is usually just for fun and involves no serious intentions. 

• When a man courts a woman (not the other way around), the two see each other in a variety of settings.
• They usually avoid being alone for purity reasons.
• Both pray and earnestly seek God’s will. 
• They do not encourage inappropriate physical contact (hugs are typically okay). 
• They do not discuss inappropriate topics. 
• They basically learn about one another while contemplating and praying about whether or not God is guiding them into a lifelong commitment. 

For these reasons, it’s best to ask yourself before beginning a courtship if this is a person you would enjoy seeking the Lord with for the rest of your life. I also don’t encourage courtships if you are not realistically (financially, emotionally, educationally) ready to make a lifelong commitment.

Don’t take offense to my bluntness, but if you don’t want to pursue the idea of marriage (commitment) with a member of the opposite gender, why not just be friends? If you’re not looking to be intentional and you don’t plan on seeking the Lord about whether or not this woman might be your help meet or if this man will be your spiritual leader til death do you part, why don’t you just play it safe and stay in the friend zone? That way neither of you are tied down and you can continue pursuing the heart of God and seeking His plan for your life with no attachments. 

If you’re not ready for a lifelong commitment to someone, God probably hasn’t prepared your heart quite yet. If this is the case, stop wasting your free time investing in dating relationships just because you’re bored and seek God so that He can prepare you – for marriage, for ministry, or for whatever else He has planned for your life. Submit to God so He can pour into you. God can use you in your singleness right now, but you might miss it because you just filled up your time entertaining a fleeting romance because you’re bored. Cancel those plans and get alone with God so He can build up the intentional relationship that will matter from now through eternity – your relationship with Him.