I stare at the ground beneath our feet as it transitions from dry, cracked dirt to smooth, cool concrete to textureless, painted railroad tracks. The pomegranate field looks the same as it did an hour ago. The randomly blossoming white-flowered growth hasn’t moved. The vehicles still drive by trying to drown out our voices. Doesn’t seem like much has changed around me, but on the inside it’s a different story.

What started as a hopeless hole in my heart is now a spring of colors and sunshine and warmth. That’s the familiar feeling of hope restored.

It’s funny how the older I get, the less I agree with myself.

I hate the devil and the lies he has convinced me to believe. I hate how he steals, kills, and destroys. Relationships were meant for good, to bring glory to God and symbolize His love for communion and joy and unity and peace.

I hate that the devil has bound me with chains of fear.

I love that my God is determined to guide me into freedom. I love that He wants to cleanse my mind with His Truth.

He does not want to hurt me.

My eyes fill with tears again as your words penetrate the forsaken shield around my heart. Truth, truth, truth. I try to choke down the threatening lump in my throat so I can continue processing, giving my wonderings and concerns wings to fly away on. They’ve been building in my heart this season, and now they all pour out. Healing, healing, healing. This walk has done so much good – spiritually and physically. I’m thankful for sunshine.

I love the kindness found in charity.

How does He do this? He puts His words into someone else’s mouth and ministers to my soul. What a good Father.

I asked Him to heal me just a few hours ago. Sobbing, I questioned whether or not I truly wanted to be healed. What’s the point in being healed if I’m simply going to be wounded again?

But He answered me. His words healed me. He comforted me.

He’s so good.

Sometimes others’ brokenness is redeemed and they use it to touch others who are hurting. And a 27-year-old California daughter’s brokenness and pain and believed lies just mended the hurt in the heart of this 24-year-old Louisiana daughter.

I love the Body of Christ.

I will take notes. I will learn. I will grow. My paradigm will shift. My thoughts will be healthy and godly. I will fight for my marriage now.

Here’s what I’m learning:

1. It’s okay to be attracted to someone. Denial is unnecessary and a disguise for unworthiness and fear of rejection.

2. God doesn’t have to tell me if a man will be my husband before we have a relationship. It doesn’t mean my marriage is doomed to end in divorce. I don’t have to know the end from the beginning. God does. I trust Him.

3. A man doesn’t have to be put together before he can pursue me or even marry me. Marriage is sanctifying. Marrying an imperfect man doesn’t promise divorce, either.

4. My new list for my dream husband: love Jesus and go on adventures with me, even if that just means adventures to the pet store.

5. I gave my heart to God for Him to keep – not for Him to give it to someone else.

6. I decide whether or not to give my heart to someone.

7. My heart can be hurt but it cannot be broken because God is protecting it. It’s in His hands.

8. God is not calling me to a destiny of brokenness; He does not will that for me. Brokenness is the result of living in a fallen world, and the enemy is to be blamed (and to be attacked). God is calling me to go to war against the enemy for all that he has stolen, killed, and destroyed. And Jesus already paid for my victory.

9. God is my primary source for love, joy, peace, and healing. My husband will be my secondary source.

10. The second greatest commandment is to love, and for good reason. That’s what we were made for.

So take courage, my heart. Stay steadfast, my soul. He’s in the waiting.

“I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord.” Isaiah 66:9 NCV