As the patterns in the music rose through the movie theater and stirred my memory, I lifted my hands, closed my eyes, and poured out the ever-so familiar lyrics to Cory Asbury’s wildly popular worship song “Reckless Love.” This song has always been special between me and God because over the past year He has spoken to me through it in a dozen different healing ways.

In the first verse He declared His intentions towards me; the second verse unveiled how He sees my worth; through the chorus and bridge He showed me how fervently He has pursued and always will pursue my heart. While it sounds like the song revolves around me, it actually paints a picture of my God and how He relates to His sons and daughters: He is good, faithful, loving, strong, fierce, persistent, gracious, generous, merciful, passionate, kind.

However, I’m ashamed to say that this time as the words slipped past my lips, my words weren’t connecting with my heart. I didn’t “feel it,” so to speak. Something was amiss.

As we rounded out the second verse, I held onto what I had just proclaimed: “You have been so, so kind to me.” In a moment of honesty, I lowered my hands and confessed to God:

“I don’t feel like You are kind right now.”

My mind acknowledged that God is kind, but based on my circumstances, my heart didn’t feel His kindness towards me. In Christianese we call that having head knowledge without heart knowledge. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I felt neglect, but any abundance of kindness was lost to me for the moment.

I paused to consider where my mind was. I was dwelling on financial issues, seasonal details, discontentment, timing, provision – lots of things out of my control. Well, I say they are out of my control. Technically I could change a lot of the things I was dwelling on, but I had chosen to relinquish control to Jesus in those areas. But did He really know what He was doing? Some of my circumstances seemed impossible.

So here I stood in the middle of a row in theater 9 of the Old AMC, singing a song but questioning Jesus’s lordship.

You see, Jesus wants to be our Lord and Savior. For Him to be our Lord, He directs our steps and makes our decisions. For Him to be our Savior, He takes the wrath meant for us and gives us eternity with our Father.

In my experience, it’s much easier to let Jesus take my wrath than to let Jesus take my reigns.

It’s important to note here that WORSHIP IS NOT ABOUT ME. Just so you know, I know. God is patient with me.

Anyway, since God knows my thoughts and the posture of my heart, I just decided to be blunt with Him. He’s my Father, and I know He isn’t going to condemn me for questioning His sovereignty. He already saw this stumbling block in my heart. He is prepared to handle it, as you will see.

After telling Him that I couldn’t feel His kindness, I sort of just waited, as though saying, “Now what? What do I do now? Do I just keep my hands up and pretend to worship You? Should I sit down?”

Come and take communion with Me.

I opened my eyes and looked down the row I was on. There were only two people to get around to go down and take communion (which is always out and available at Seeds Church). I cleanly (without interrupting anybody else’s worship) slipped around the two people and walked down the aisle steps. After dodging a few flailing worship arms (we are charismatic) I finally made it to the little round table with a cup of grape juice and a plate with pieces of bread.

One of the pastors repeated the phrase for communion as I dipped my bread into the juice. I turned around and made my way back up to my seat. Once there, I continued my conversation with the Lord.

“Jesus, Your body was broken for me, and Your blood was poured out…”

My words stopped there as tears filled my eyes.

His body was broken for me.

His blood was poured out for me.

What kinder act can be done?

His words came back to me gently: “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” Jesus became the example of what it means to love not your own life unto death. Jesus, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross. And then, knowing we would get caught up in life and lose sight of His goodness, He told us to take communion in remembrance of Him.

And I questioned His kindness? Because of my trivial circumstances?

Awareness came upon me suddenly, and once again God’s kindness led me to repentance.

In circles of lovers of the Bible, you will frequently hear of the importance of context in understanding scripture. It seems here that context in worship lyrics can also be helpful.

When Cory Asbury wrote about God’s kindness, it was preceded by both of these phrases: “Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me,” and “When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me.” The former joyfully calls us to remember that even the very breath in our lungs came from our Creator. The latter soberingly draws us to reflect on the very truth to which Jesus led me during communion – that He withheld nothing to prove His great love for us and to reconcile us to the Father.

Jesus is the ultimate demonstration of kindness.

God proves His love for us in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Kindness is a fruit of His Spirit. It cannot exist without Him.

May I learn from this experience and grow blind to my circumstances. May my faith grow deeper in the immovable Word of God. May I sing with worshipful conviction. May His kindness continue leading me quicker to repentance and deeper in His love.