If your pet could talk, what would be the first thing it says?

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We only have one pet now, since Rocky, our 16-year-old dirty blonde shih tzu, crossed the rainbow bridge two and a half weeks ago. Now our only fur baby is a goofy black schnoodle named Sirius Black. 

Even though I picked him out, drove an hour to the rescue clinic, and paid the $200 to adopt him, for some reason he is obsessed with my husband.

As I was scrolling through the Facebook page for the Humane Society of Northwest Louisiana, I saw and immediately fell in love with the derpy looking dog listed as Clark Kent, “a 5-6 year old poodle, weighing 21 pounds. He loves people and other dogs. Clark is a happy boy.” He didn’t look full-blooded, but that did not matter to me. I had been stalking this Facebook page for weeks looking for any hypoallergenic listing since my husband is allergic to most pets. Clark, this chunky fluff ball, was posted on July 31, and I completed the application process with sky-high hopes. His picture had over 200 likes on it, so I wasn’t sure how likely it would be that I would get selected to bring him home. 

For some reason (I give credit to God), they chose to let me adopt him! On August 5 I brought him home.

My husband and I agreed that “Clark” was NOT the name for this dog. I mean for one, “Clarkie” doesn’t roll of the tongue. It’s very clunky to say. So it had to go.

As Harry Potter fans, we decided to name him after the beloved character who transforms into a black dog. At first we called him “Padfoot.” I could just imagine letting him out into the back yard in the middle of the night, trying to say his name quickly to call him back inside. “Padfoot” is hard to say fast. Then we switched to a nickname version, “Paddie,” since it’s easy to say quickly, but it sounded too much like “Patty.” Finally, I asked my husband if he was okay with us just calling him “Sirius.” It passed the speed test, and, surprisingly, our new dog started responding to that name very quickly. (We don’t have any knowledge about his prior owners, but we often wonder if that was his originally given name. If someone says “Clark” around him, he doesn’t show any indication of recognition.)

So on August 5, I drove to the clinic, paid for him, brought him home, and named him.

And on August 5, Sirius imprinted on my husband.

Well, I don’t know if dogs exactly imprint (like werewolves in Twilight), but some kind of strong connection was made that day.

Honestly, I had a hand in it. The evening we adopted him, Sirius had what appeared to be an anxiety attack about his new environment.  He started making this retching noise periodically and I hated it, so I scolded him. I was very impatient for him to acclimate to his new home. In contrast, my husband was very kind and gentle, and he comforted Sirius. Apparently that sealed the deal. Sirius has been my husband’s shadow and biggest fan from that moment.

Additionally, I think Sirius recognizes that my husband is the Alpha in our pack. I don’t have any qualms about that, because my husband is the manliest man I know. He’s a good man, too, and I’m happy to recognize him as the head of our household (the way it’s supposed to be, biblically).

Anyway, now Sirius is a part of our home, and that silly snuggle bug has taken up a huge part of my heart. The daily prompt asked what our dog would say if he could talk. My husband and I have actually talked about that scenario many times. The majority of his words would probably revolve around food, because that dog can beg! But my husband and I have also discussed the big picture repercussions of talking animals.

For one, someone would have to teach them about language. Pets would essentially be just like a child. If they have the capacity to learn to talk and express desires, what would separate them from sentient humans? And honestly, I don’t think I would want Sirius to talk. I could very easily see my husband and I trying to get some work done around the house while in the background, Sirius’s little voice insistently begged us to sit on the couch and cuddle him. He lives for a good snug.

But then that makes me wonder, if Sirius could learn to talk, could he also (like a child) learn the meaning of the word “no”? What would his personality be like if words could be added to his actions? Would he speak English and just magically have knowledge of our comprehensive vocabulary? What if he is smarter than us? Is he going to complain about the brand of kibble we give him?

I’ve seen a few videos online of the dog owners who buy those talking buttons to try to help their dogs communicate. We won’t be purchasing them any time soon. I can just imagine walking into our house and hearing the buttons scream at me over and over, “Dad!” “Dad!” “Food!” “Dad!” “Food!”

I think I’ll pass.