In the recesses of your mind it is born,
Or rather, planted by the enemy.
Slowly it builds as its pace quickens and the pounding of your heart grows deeper, shaking you to your core.
Everything around you fades away as it steals your attention –
Your focus, concentrated on your inability to stop or even slow its progression.
Your breaths speed up:
Doom closes in around you –
Hopelessness hovers over your head;
Tears swell on the brim of your eyes, some spilling over.
Can you breathe? You won’t be able to for long.
Can people see? They won’t understand.
When they ask what’s wrong, your lack of answer only feeds its stamina;
Your fears double and your panic triples as it consumes you.
Your eyes dart all around, searching for something – calm, peace, rest.
Everything needs to stop;
The lump in your throat thickens –
You look hysterical.
Who will love you like this? Who will accept someone fighting an invisible battle?
You look insane.
Nothing is happening that outsiders can understand.
“Were you hurt? Did something happen?”
They are oblivious to the fact that their attention fuels its power.
They’ll never understand unless they fight the same monster.
At some point you resign from exhaustion and admit defeat by naming the beast:
“Anxiety attack”
“Panic attack”
As if a title leads to comprehension – it doesn’t.
Those who don’t feel don’t know, can’t know.
The sooner we stop talking about it, the sooner it ends. Well, the sooner this one ends.
It’ll be back.
It’s always waiting for a moment of weakness, always ready to leap through the crack of insecurity in the wall of emotional stability.
Good luck explaining it to every new person who enters your life –
Even the ones you’ve known for years still don’t understand it.
Some suggest psychology,
Some say to pop pills.
After familiarizing myself with this thief, this tornado, this terror, I have discovered the only hope.
There exists a peace that surpasses all understanding, that surpasses all damage and destruction and devastation caused by the demon that is anxiety.
“Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:6-7
Hi Tiffany. A few days after reading your last post here, and after having a fairly poor day myself, I happened to pick up a book that I’d had for a while but hadn’t had much interest in reading. While skimming it I found this.
“However, those who come to truly know God come to understand that His primary business in this world is redemption. He loves revealing His strength through those who are weak, His wisdom through those who are foolish, and His nobility through those who have been shamed. Therefore, those who love His truth will also love redemption.”
While not in context of what he was saying, I immediately thought of your post because I know first hand that anxiety certainly brings feelings of weakness, foolishness, and shame. The first scripture that came to mind was Romans 8:28. “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Notice that is ALL things. God loves turning what the enemy means for harm and using it for good, even if it’s simply to bring us closer to him or to prepare us to minister to others. The scriptures are full of examples of this. Of course the greatest example is Jesus himself. Luke 22:3-4 says, “Then entered Satan into Judas surnamed Iscariot, being of the number of the twelve. And he went his way, and communed with the chief priests and captains, how he might betray him unto them.” Satan must have been so thrilled that he had turned one of the twelve against Jesus and had him killed, and so disappointed when the third day rolled around and he realized he had only helped fulfill God’s plan to redeem His beloved creation. Isaiah 46:9-10 tells us, “Remember the former things of old: for I am God, and there is none else; I am God, and there is none like me, declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times the things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure”. While we often don’t understand the reasoning for the things we deal with, we must remember that God is outside the dimension of time, “declaring the end from the beginning”, and sees the whole picture of time from one end to the other. He is never surprised or rattled by what we are going through. “For He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” Hebrews 13:5
I realize you know all this, but sometimes a review helps put things in perspective. I hope this will help you as it did me. Once again, feel free to email if you’d like to talk more in depth. In any case, you and your family are in my prayers. God bless!
JC
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