This past August I was in my new classroom doing what most first year teachers probably do: obsessing over every single detail in the small space I was given to educate and inspire my middle school students.

To rearrange my classroom the way I wanted, I needed to move a large and rather heavy bookshelf. After taking down all of the books and shuffling the bookshelf from side to side until it was across the class, I turned around and noticed a large hole in the floor where the bookshelf used to be. My heart dropped. Being the perfectionist that I am, I began to panic because there was no way I was moving the bookshelf back across the room – that just wouldn’t suit my desk arrangements. So I simply told the janitor when he passed my room that there was a hole in the floor. 

The next day, a few gentlemen came in to investigate the problem and develop a plan to get it fixed (only a few days before the first day of school – oops!). The next day I went to a meeting, and when I returned, the floor seemed to be fixed; I breathed a sigh of relief. However, the janitor stopped by my class again and told me that the floor had not been fixed correctly. A few more things would have to be done so that the floor would be repaired the right way. To make a long story short, there is currently (in December, over three months later) a random blue rug on one side of my classroom accidentally glued over the fixed floor. (At least, I think it’s fixed. No students have fallen through so far.)

I say all this to tell you that my heart is very similar to the hole in my classroom floor:

• Severe damage was done. 
• The wound was covered instead of being immediately treated. 
• Treatments were attempted in vain. 
• I spent a lot of time hoping things don’t fall apart. 

Let me pause. The last post I made on this blog was about what it feels to have an anxiety attack. I’ve suffered from anxiety since I was in high school, and it has been quite the thorn in my flesh. 

2015, it seems, has been my most anxiety-filled year to date, as a result of poor life choices on my part. I’ll spare you the details, but just know that I have learned for the millionth time that God and God alone is the faithful Rock to lean on in every circumstance. (Shoutout to Vertical Church Band for my second favorite worship song!)

Basically in mid-February I began experiencing self-doubt, fear, depression, lack of faith, loneliness, discontentment, and a whole mess of anxiety. Instead of letting God deal with my problems, I first covered them up and pretended they didn’t exist. Surely I could stifle my emotions and life would return to normal, or so I thought. I tried burying my thoughts and pouring myself into my work, my family, and my friends. I was convinced that I should be strong enough to handle my own burdens. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and grief if I had only gone to the Keeper of broken hearts, Who freely declares,

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” -Matthew 11:28 (KJV)

After this method didn’t work, I tried to fix my problems myself. I tried getting back into my church and making all of these commitments to get back on track with God. The only problem was that I always fell short of my goals; I struggle with commitment, and this became clearly visible in my attempt to seek righteousness. I, a mere woman, sought to live by the law and become blameless through that. This pursuit neglected the Truth, which explains,

“For Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to every one that believeth.” -Romans 10:4 (KJV)

And thus I have lived for the majority of 2015: covering up my struggles, trying to fix my own sin, and being filled with more anxiety about the possibility of falling apart while going back and forth between the two. 

Today I say enough. 

Today I claim the Truth. 

Today I cling to my Jesus, Who holds me and comforts me, and promises peace that surpasses all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)

Today I rest in trusting God because He is faithful. 

Today I declare that God be glorified, for He alone satisfies. 

Today I challenge you to stop concealing your wounds. Trust the Divine Physician.

Today I decide: No more concealing my wounds. For why would I any longer? I know the One True Healer.