“God please speak to me. Please say something. Guide me. Tell me what Your will is. I want to obey You and walk where You lead!”
Have your prayers ever sounded like this? I know mine have several times. The problem is that most of the time that I pray this, God already is speaking, guiding, and leading. I just don’t like what He is saying.
For example, as I’ve mentioned probably more than I should, I’m in a season of waiting. I mention it so frequently because I’m really wrestling with being here. Sure, I’m doing as much as I can to serve where I am and to learn what God wants me to learn while I’m here, but I’m constantly yearning to finally hear God say those long-awaited words: your waiting is over.
It seems as though my struggle has only gotten worse here lately, and this must be why. I keep asking God to speak to me, but He has already spoken. I just don’t want to hear what He is saying, because His words contradict what I think I should be hearing.
What I want to hear:
- Good job being faithful and patient for a little bit. Your season of waiting is over!
- You’re fully funded now!
- Book your flights now!
- Go to the nations now!
Quite the contrary, what God is saying is:
- Be still.
- Wait.
- Trust Me.
- I see you.
- I hear you.
- I am for you.
- Believe Me.
- Have faith in Me.
- I’m faithful.
- Listen.
- Obey Me.
- Wait.
I don’t want to accept that as all God is saying (since it doesn’t match what I want to hear), so I seek a response elsewhere.
The first place I look is in the Word. Surely I will be reading in Ezra and the words will jump off the page and say, “Just kidding, Tiffany! No need to wait anymore!”
Instead, God is consistent in His Word (as is His character).
I wrote a blog post the other day about what to do when you feel outcast (which is how I have felt the majority of the time I’ve been in this season). The three steps, based on Ezra 1-3, were simple:
- Build God a house of praise.
- Give Him what you have.
- Obey what He has commanded you to do.
The day after I posted this, I was quickly reminded of an important detail I left out: you’re going to face opposition from the enemy when you’re obeying God. The devil hates it when we realize what God is asking of us, and he attacks us to try to get us off-track. It is so important to persevere and continue in obedience to God. It’s not easy, but that’s why we are told to crucify our flesh (Galatians 5:24); Jesus is worthy of our obedience, love, and devotion!
The day after I shared with y’all what to do when you’re feeling outcast, the enemy attacked me in a big way. Instead of responding by crucifying my flesh, I chose to run away and ignore my problems, which only made it worse. Hallelujah for grace!
Similarly, in the next chapter of Ezra (after God’s people started praising Him, giving to Him, and obeying Him to build His house), God’s people were attacked by the enemy. We read in Chapter 4 that the people’s adversaries arose and made them stop what they were doing. Praise, giving, obedience, and building completely ceased due to opposition from the enemy.
Fortunately perseverance was found in the hearts of some of God’s people. The prophets Haggai and Zechariah prophesied to the Jews and also told Joshua and Zerubbabel to continue the work of the Lord. In response, God’s people got back on track. Their enemies arose once again to try to stop their work, but this time God’s people responded by saying, “We are the servants of the God of heaven and earth, and we are rebuilding the house that was built many years ago” (Ezra 5:11).
Did you catch that? Instead of bowing down to the intimidation of their enemy, this time the Jews stood firm in their identity as servants of the Living God. They continued praising, giving, obeying, and building. Because of this, the Lord turned the heart of the king of Assyria to them and He made a decree that God’s people could build His house without anymore opposition. God aided them in the work of the house of God, and He made his people joyful (Ezra 6:22).
This tells me that, when I face opposition from the enemy, I can either choose to bow down to him in fear, or I can stand firm in who God has called me to be. If I choose to stand firm, God’s Word tells me that He will be faithful to me. Fortunately for me, He is also gracious when I don’t stand as firmly as I should.
Once again, though, this isn’t the message I was looking for when I went to the Bible; I wanted to find permission to be out of God’s waiting room! But once again (and everyday since) God has delivered His message to me that all He is asking of me right now is to wait and trust.
However, this still wasn’t what I wanted, so next I began messaging my friends and asking if they will ask God what He wants to tell me. (As if He would tell them something different! He probably shakes His head at me all day long.)
Two of my friends, loving and patient sisters-in-Christ that they are, spoke the truth to me plainly. Yesterday the first friend shared:
“We can’t create expectations and try to fit God into them. We have to let God overcome our expectations and trust in them… All you’re doing is focusing on the things in the future and what God has for you there. You need to think about the here and now and see what God has right beneath your feet. Stop letting this time be labeled as ‘waiting’ and open the door for amazing things to happen. God’s time is perfect… He wants you to stop thinking about how you have to wait until the next mission and let your entire life be a mission. Stop waiting and start praising. When you worship you can’t focus on trying to make yourself feel better, but you have to focus on glorifying God; through that your problems will fall away because you will see how God is so good and bigger than anything.”
In response I only denied that I was ignoring where I am now.
I realized that in reality I was trying to convince myself that because of all the work I had done here since I’ve been home, I deserved to stop waiting. I obeyed for a little while. I had earned it.
Wow, look at that pride and selfishness.
For the rest of the day I wrestled with more restlessness, unease, and discontentment. I tossed and turned and debated and pondered. I tried to get different things done, but I was so distracted and spiritually off.
Today, God woke me up to gently tell me that another task He has for me at home during this season is to be a prayer warrior, and I have been neglecting it. I’ve been talking to God, but only about myself and His plans for me. (More selfishness and pride!)
Instead, I’m to intercede for whoever Abba lays on my heart. Who knows what they’re going through – but God has firsthand showed me the miraculous things He can accomplish when His sons and daughters partner with Him in prayer.
After He gave me that revelation, I decided that today would be different. His mercies are new every morning, and after I’ve seen the depths of my black heart (seriously y’all, the pride and selfishness is unreal!) I am so grateful for His patience with me.
So instead of ignoring Him because He wasn’t telling me what I wanted to hear, I went back to listening.
My heart still wasn’t 100% there, though.
In His Word today He spoke to me through Zechariah and Esther about how sometimes we cannot see His hand, but He is changeless so He is continually working all things for my good (Romans 8:28).
In the afternoon, I sat down to talk to Him.
“God, I just want to thank you.”
“Thank Me for what?” came His response.
I hesitated. Since we enter His courts with thanksgiving (Psalm 100), I almost always start my conversations with Abba by thanking Him. But was my heart even in it? Was gratitude truly in my heart? Or was I going through the motions like a Pharisee?
Right in the moment of my hesitation I got a message from another friend. In it, she said she was praying for me and God gave her a message for me. She said God wanted me to declare over myself that I am not alone. He wanted to tell me that the waiting stage is so special to Him. He also said He is teaching me what patience is and when this season is over, I’m going to look back at this time and be like, “Wow, God, waiting on You was so special and so important because You had these plans laid out for me.” My sweet friend also shared that what I’m doing in being obedient to Him is so special to Him when it’s hard or when others are questioning me. She closed by saying, “Your obedience to the Lord is what’s truly going to pull you through.”
After hearing her message, my heart genuinely filled with gratitude. My Abba heard me. He sees me. He knows me. He is trustworthy and faithful. Despite my horrible flesh, He loves me. I am so blown away.
So, for the millionth time, I’m determining to trust God, to believe He is who He says He is. To wait and be still and embrace this patience He is teaching me. To stop checking my email ten times an hour to see if there is any news letting me know waiting is over. To stop looking at my bank account and wondering when He is going to provide. To fix my eyes on Him and continually be amazed by His grace, His kindness, His favor. His love is so unmerited. And when He speaks, I will respond with thankfulness that my Father speaks to me. I have so much to be thankful for.
The Lord has promised good to me | His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be | As long as life endures
~“Amazing Grace”
