Sometimes revelations from God come instantly and almost knock me off my feet. Other times, however, revelations from Him are like the drops of water that fall on the sculpture in Veronica Roth’s Allegiant.

(Excuse this teensy rabbit trail, but) In the novel, Tris stops to stare at a large slab of stone positioned underneath a glass tank that trickles a single drop of water consistently. At first glance, it may seem like the drops of falling water are an unintentional leak or an ineffective symbol, but when Tris looks at the very center of the rock slab she sees a small impression, like a bowl carved into the stone. It had been formed over a long period of time as each drop of water ever so slightly changed the rock.

(Back to God) Sometimes God speaks and reveals His wisdom in that way. A whisper here is a drop; an encouragement there is another. Over time when I reflect on all that has happened, I realize that there is a deep impression in my heart that wasn’t there a few seasons ago. It didn’t happen overnight, but God patiently trickled drops of His love and truth until they forever changed me.

Presently I’m facing a significant change that affects my entire identity and explains how I have come to be who I am. I’m still wrestling with letting this sink in, so give me grace if this isn’t communicated smoothly.

The best way I can think to sum it up is by quoting lyrics from the United Pursuit (gosh, they’re so anointed) song “Never Going Back”:

“Faithful one, no matter how far I run | You lead me home, You extend Your love | Patiently fathering the orphan in me | You say I’m Your own”

Y’all. I just have to stop right there. My heart is so moved.

The other day I heard a friend say that we frequently refer to Luke 15:11-32 as the parable of the prodigal son, but we should call it the parable of the faithful father. I’m gonna start doing that.

Y’all, God is our faithful Father. And He is calling us home to His arms, every moment of every day. He extends His unconditional love to us regardless of everything we do or don’t do. He patiently fathers us; He calls us to be sons and daughters. He calls us His own. He says we are not abandoned, or rejected, or unworthy. We are loved by Him.

I have been the son in the parable of the faithful father.

I have been the son that ran away, lived recklessly, lost everything, and ended up hopeless and starving (spiritually). I have been the son who came to his mind, came back to his father, repented, and said, “I am not worthy to be called your son!”

But I have stopped there. Although God saw me while I was far off, felt compassion, and ran to embrace me and kiss me, I have not progressed past that. God has been holding me in that place, while He has been trying to say, “Quick! Bring a robe to put around her shoulders, put a ring on her finger, place shoes on her feet! Adorn her head with a crown! My daughter is home!” Rather, I’ve been clutching Him and shaking my head and shouting, “I’m not worthy to be called Your daughter!” He is trying to get me past that.

So I guess you could say I have been the self-proclaimed orphan in the parable of the faithful father.

You see, because of some wounds I received as a child, I have been stuck in an orphan mentality my whole life. I have not been receiving my Father’s love, so I have been seeking to fill that void with the love of another.

I remember as a preschooler being attracted to boys and approaching them and (unknowingly) begging, “Please love me.” Assuming I was 4 when I was in preschool, you could say I’ve been doing this for the past 20 years of my life. I remember sitting in an FCA meeting in high school where the speaker mentioned that some of us were looking for love in all the wrong places. That stirred my heart, but I didn’t know what to do with it. I still wanted to be loved, accepted, and valued by a boy. So no change was made.

Until very recently I accepted this as my identity. I just need to have the love of a man. That’s just who I am. Those were lies the enemy had planted in my mind. And this affected every relationship I’ve ever been in. I’ve placed undue pressure and expectations on guys. I’ve asked them to be the source of the love that my orphaned self was meant to receive only from my Father.

A little over a week ago a friend pointed out that I can be needy and codependent. When he said that, I realized that there was something unhealthy in my heart. Recently I’ve learned that insecurities are opportunities for increased intimacy with Jesus. Here I had found a significant insecurity that needed to be healed, but I wasn’t sure how to approach healing in this area. I’ve been wrestling with my source of love and identity for 24 years now! Can it just change overnight?

So for the past several days God has been speaking and I have been listening. What has He been saying?

“Look into My eyes.”

That’s all. Over and over again. He has been inviting me to gaze upon His glory, to set my eyes on His face.

Last night a couple that I know gave the message at our church. It was essentially everything God had been telling me on His own. Here are the main points:

• Orphans live to look for the love they haven’t found at home.
• We have forgotten the face of our Father.
• When we look at Jesus, we see the Father. That’s because Jesus frequently went away to be by Himself and seek God.
• We have to follow Christ’s example by getting alone and seeking our Father’s face.
• Jesus’s disciples had to ask Him to teach them how to pray because they probably weren’t around most of the time Jesus was cultivating His prayer life. He gave them a guideline for conversation with God (Matthew 6:9-13), but He demonstrated by continually seeking God’s face alone.
• Intimacy with God comes with sacrifice. We have to choose to sacrifice our distractions. Sometimes that means deciding not to watch a movie or browse social media or even hang out with friends. We have to intentionally sacrifice with the goal of seeking our Father.
• We can’t expect other things (or people) to fill holes in our hearts that were meant to be filled with the Father’s love.
• You become like what you behold. Are we making time to behold our Father’s face?
• When it comes to leadership and discipling and growing the church, you can’t father someone else unless you have been fathered.
• As you see God’s face, you’ll be able to hear His voice.
• We need to be quiet before our Dad and let Him remind us how loved we are.
• We also might need to repent for rebellion; we need to grow in meekness and humility.

Our church website will post the video from this sermon, so if you want to watch it just let me know and I’ll send you the link.

It just blows my mind that God so patiently keeps repeating the same things to me. He cares so much.

“Keep your eyes on Me.” It’s simple.

So I’m trying.

When I get the sudden urge to message a guy friend something that just popped into my head, I stop and ask myself what’s my motivation. Most of the time if I’m honest I am just seeking attention and adoration. But when I take that and give it to God, He gives me the attention I’m craving! And He adores me! I don’t need a guy to appreciate me or justify my value or decide whether he likes me or not or if he sees my beauty. When I lock eyes with Jesus, I find all I need. His love completes my every desire.

We went to Washington at the end of February (wow it’s almost been a month ago!) to do ministry at a church. God did a lot during that trip, and one of those things was connect me with a woman whose name I forget. You know when you meet someone and things instantly click between you? It was a God thing. Anyway, at the end of the trip, this woman and I got in a conversation and she ended up blessing me with a book. At first I thought, “Okay, I’m probably not going to read this.” (I don’t do well with book recommendations because agreeing to read a book is such a commitment of time and mind!) However, our conversation felt so perfectly guided by Holy Spirit, so on the drive back to California I opened the book.

Welp. That was God.

The book is called The Best Yes by Lysa Terkeurst. It was one of those things that lands in your lap at just the right time. God has used it already to help me gain wisdom and grow spiritually. Anyway, one of the first points Lysa makes is that we were made to yearn for unbroken companionship with God.

There it is again!

(I also totally recommend that book now if you were wondering.)

So that’s my solution. That’s your solution. Get alone with God. Walk in communion with Him. Set your eyes on His face. Spend time with your Father.

I earnestly believe this is the key to anything we ever could face. Including you. Whatever you’re dealing with, I bet getting alone with God and looking at your Father’s face will be just what you need. And I know because that’s what He made us for.

So that’s just an update of my journey. I pray that this realization will continue making an impression on my heart and I will continue growing until I look like Jesus.

Love y’all.