“Come away with Me.”

Murfreesboro, TN: That’s where I’m writing from. Goldonna, LA: That’s where I come from. My journey between there and here covers more than the distance of thousands of miles spread over a couple of years; it is primarily constituted by units of spiritual growth, although I’m not sure in what type of unit that is measured. (Depths of spiritual growth? Oceans of spiritual growth? Layers of spiritual growth? I don’t know.)

So, what am I doing here after experiencing oodles of spiritual growth? Didn’t God call me to be a full-time missionary as outlined in this post? Yes, He did. But in the gap between Louisiana and Tennessee, my Abba has deepened my understanding of who He is, who I am, why I am here, and what it truly means to be a full-time missionary to unreached people. (Unreached people are simply people who have yet to experience God’s love and truth, and they are all around us everywhere we go.)

I’d like to talk about prepositions. (Once an English teacher, always an English teacher!)

I can’t imagine learning English as a second language. As I build my knowledge of foreign languages such as Hawaiian, French, Nepali, and Spanish, I reflect on how confusing the English language is. I truly believe the only reason I have such a deep understanding of it is because of God’s grace; it’s a gift He has given me. One time I bonded with my friend Helen while we discussed our frustration with Bethel for mixing up passive voice and active voice in their song “No Longer Slaves.” Yep, I’m a nerd.

Anyway, another facet of the English language that is difficult to teach is prepositions. Memorizing 49 of them using the Shurley Method was a cinch, whereas explaining the difference between in time and on time can be slightly frustrating. For me, it just clicks somehow, so the only explanation has to be God’s grace. (Ask me how to forge a blade out of drill bits, however, and I will have no answer – we each have our different passions and talents, right?)

The point is that God knows my heart and how my mind works, so He ministers to me frequently through metaphors and wordplay and rhythm and prepositions. When He started preparing me for this season, He showed me the difference between two f-word prepositions: for and from. This is what He said:

I want to teach you how to operate from My love, rather than for My love.

As I talked with Him, He showed me how for the past two years that I’ve been in full-time ministry living on faith, I’ve been striving from my own strength, and I’ve been hoping to somehow prove my love for my Jesus and make Him love me. I know He loves me, but I felt like I needed to keep His love, like if I wasn’t good enough it would vanish and it would be all my fault.

When I was a teacher in 2015, I remember telling my coworker Somer that I wanted to suffer for the Lord. Yes, He is worth suffering for. However, my desire to suffer from Him was actually rooted in a lie I was believing. The lie was this:

If I love God the most, I must prove it by suffering for Him. He won’t believe I love Him unless I go to the hardest, most remote, dangerous places to prove it to Him. Then He will love me more. Then I will be worthy of His love.

If you know God, and I mean really know His heart, what happened to me won’t surprise you: He pulled me out of ministry for a season so He would have purposeful, intimate time with me to love me back to wholeness by revealing the lies I was believing and showering me with His truth.

Several weeks ago, while I was still serving with a ministry called trΞd, I was walking to a prayer meeting. A few minutes after I got there, I felt the Lord tugging on my heart to leave and be with Him. “Come away with Me,” He said. I shook my head. I have to be at this prayer meeting, God. Prayer pleases You. You should understand. I nudged His voice away and tried to get into the worship and intercession going on – all while ignoring the King of kings! Silly me.

I started getting cold, so I walked outside to get my sweater. While outside, I saw a cute little girl across the parking lot with her daddy. I don’t know who she was, but she looked up and saw me from a distance. Her face lit up with a huge smile, she threw her hand in the air, and she shouted with no fear or shame, “Hey!” I giggled and returned her greeting. Her dad chuckled to himself, clearly delighted with his princess and her transparent, childlike love.

I continued walking to grab my sweater, and God spoke to me again. “I loved you just as much when you were her size as I love you now.” I almost stopped walking. My heart responded, But why, God? I couldn’t do anything for You then! I couldn’t go to the nations or read Your Word or repent for my sins. I was useless to You! His response came, “My love is unconditional and unchanging. You have, and have always had, the fullness of My love for you. Come away with Me.”

Unbelievably I still pressed His voice away. There was a prayer meeting to get back to! Interceding needed to be done! This was the work of the Lord – for the Lord!

I came back to the meeting wearing my sweater and sat down. I could connect with this prayer. I could worship. The people around me were pressing in. If I tried hard enough, I, too, could press into His presence.

Nope.

After God continued pulling and drawing at me for another half hour or so, I finally conceded. I gathered my things, got up, and left the prayer meeting early. This time as I crossed the parking lot, God spoke something different to me. He whispered, “This is why I am taking you out of ministry. You are operating out of a performance mentality, and in ministry you have an easier opportunity to do so. I want to separate you to just rest in My love. Rest in My arms. Come away with Me.”

I burst into tears. But I love doing ministry for You, Papa! I love sharing Your love with those who have never felt it! I love giving people messages from You! I love being surrounded by this radical, consecrated community! Don’t take this away from me!

Softly came His answer, “I want you to love Me more.”

Helen ended up walking across the parking lot at the same time, so I felt I owed her an explanation for leaving the prayer meeting early. Through sobs, I choked out bits of what God had said. Her response summed it up pretty nicely: “Sonship first.”

Thus, God drew me away from that beautiful community, and has since shown me that His Father love for me, His daughter, is my portion.

So currently I am not with a ministry. I am staying with my super gracious and kind aunt and uncle in Tennessee, waiting on the Lord. I am learning to love myself and see myself with my Papa’s eyes. And I am learning, once again, that He’s in the waiting.

Oh, and He is stirring up fire in my heart. He is pouring His passion into me. This may be a season of healing and resting, but it is not a passive season. As my gaze rests on Him, He is tucking His finger under my chin and gently turning my focus back to where my calling lies: the nations. Now, though, I’m thinking thoughts like, “Wow, Jesus. You are love and knowing You is my deepest joy. There are people in dangerous places where nobody else wants to go, people who have never felt Your peace or known Your healing love. They are Your inheritance! You deserve the nations! You deserve every heart. They must know – they have to know who You are! Send me, I will go!”

Well, I say that’s my calling. My calling is the Mary calling: to pick the better portion of sitting at Jesus’s feet. I just know that I will be sitting at Jesus’s feet everywhere I go – including the nations.

So, for now I will sit here, at Jesus’s feet in Tennessee, being hidden. Believing that I am beautiful, even from all the “bad” angles. Watching Abba meet my needs, just because He loves me. Dancing in Jesus’s joy. Laughing with the few around me. Rolling my eyes at dogs that eat leather (and grass and rocks and everything else). Delighting in Him delighting in me, His daughter. Knowing that my God is trustworthy. And operating from His deep love rather than for it. Trusting that He never lets go of my hand.