“Katie, if you close your eyes and be still, it’ll be easier to fall asleep.”

“Okay,” smiled the sweet little voice of the 4-year-old. She adjusted her blanket, laid down, and closed her eyes, her smile still sitting innocently on her lips.

I smiled and shook my head. All of her classmates had been sleeping soundly for almost an hour. If she listened to my advice, she could squeeze in at least an hour of napping before snack time.

I returned my attention to finishing my lunch. After several minutes I noticed that Katie’s corner seemed still and quiet.

No way, I thought to myself. Did she actually fall asleep this time? Katie had been restlessly distracting herself from napping no matter how many times I reminded her to lie still.

I tiptoed over to peer around at her nap mat. Katie’s lower body was still, but she had started fidgeting with her hands in her hair. I exhaled.

You’re so silly, I thought. All I want for you, my darling Katie, is to rest. If you heed my voice and trust what I tell you to do, you will be more rested, happier, and have more energy. Plus, I could do the things I planned to get done while you nap.

Not napping isn’t a crime, but in a classroom where all the other children are sleeping, it can create tension. If she fidgets too much, the toys and books around her could come crashing down and prematurely bring an end to the other children’s naps. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, but very well close to it.

I walked back to my chair and sat down, puzzling. I had tried every trick I knew to try to get Katie to sleep. It had worked on some occasions, but it looked like I might have to accept defeat today.

Oh, well. She isn’t hurting anybody, and she is lying quietly. I bit my lip in thought. She just isn’t choosing the better option.

The soft music playing in the background made me pause. I turned my thoughts back to myself, picking up where I left off.

Today was my last day working at this daycare. I felt like I lacked the grace to continue in my position, so I needed to move on. The problem, though, was that I didn’t have anything to move on to. Lots of places were hiring, but without a personal vehicle and a lack of public transportation, it looked like I was pretty stuck.

I shuffled my thoughts around to things I might could do. A rumor had started that I was leaving my job to go nanny. Maybe I should look into that. Maybe I could be a live-in nanny, or nanny for a family that provides a nanny car. But how could I get to their house to use that car? It all seemed impossible. Maybe I could just walk to work. Walmart is only a few miles from me. I’d be a little sweaty when I got there, or if it rains I’d be wet. Maybe I could bring a change of clothes and a way to freshen up before work. Or maybe a kind and generous coworker would offer to pick me up. But who will hire me knowing I don’t have a car? Also, I really feel like Abba has plugged me into my church community, and I don’t think I should pursue something that removes me from that, so I would like to not work on Wednesday evenings or Sunday mornings. But I need to pay off my debt and then save money so I can go back into missions. Should I be concentrating on long-term? Africa is calling my name! But would I go alone or with YWAM? Or will I be married? But nobody is pursuing me. Should I nanny for a missionary family? That doesn’t feel right. I love evangelism. Why can’t all my debts just be erased and I can teleport to an unreached, obscure African village? My mind reeled on and on. Then I felt His voice.

You’re so silly, Abba spoke gently to my heart. All I want for you, My darling Tiffany, is to rest. If you heed My voice and trust what I tell you to do, you will be more rested, happier, and have more energy. Plus, I could do the things I planned to get done while you rest and trust Me.

I paused at the irony of the situation.

Resting is not easy sometimes.

Is Abba trustworthy? Yes. Does He know what my next job will be? Absolutely. Is He my provider? Yep.

Yet I continue striving and puzzling and trying to figure out my current and future situation. I try to map out my life, attempting to discern what He wants for me. All He has asked me to do is be still and praise Him. Commune with Him. Let Him bring me what’s next. Wait. Trust. Have faith. Know that He is bigger than any problem I’m facing. Believe that He works all things for my good.

To be honest, though, I feel stuck. I feel lost. I don’t know what’s next. I don’t know how I’m going to get to my next job or pay off my credit card. I have no clue.

Maybe He wants me to lose everything and go to jail or join a homeless community. They need evangelism. His will be done, not mine. (Nah, I’m not dramatic at all.)

I glance over at Katie: she’s still fidgeting.

“You go before I know that You’ve even gone to win my war | You come back with the head of my enemy | You come back and You call it my victory | …Your love becomes my greatest defense | It leads me from the dry wilderness | And all I did was praise | And all I did was worship | And all I did was bow down | And all I did was stay still”